Too Scared

im so scared about leaving. im scared of the things i dont see now, the things i dont know. theres a million posssiblities and to me every single one is bad.

why is it that i will only ever assume the worst? i really dont trust anyone, its horible to say you dont trust someone especially when they have done nothing wrong, but i guess my instinct is to go on what i know and ive known lies for many more years than i have known trust.

how have i got to a point where lies are more familiar to me that truth?

im so scared of the unknown, and the altered, and in about two weeks they're suddenly going to become a lot bigger and more intense.

my instinct always tells me to run, im not a natural fighter, i fly when im scared.

im scared ill get scared.

Never Sure

I guess I'm never really sure what it is I'm doing any more. Whether what I am doing is going to result in anything or whether I am going to gain anything from my actions.

At the moment I'm a lot like a little bubble just floating in the wind, I'm not trying, I'm not doing anything. I just float and inevitably I will pop.

I question why I am so lazy sometimes, is that all it is? Am I just a lazy person or is there another reason for my apparent distance and lack of focus and control?

I guess we will only see with time. But for now I'm not happy where I am, so it just seems easier to float.

Changing Times

I guess id never be alone in questioning why things have to change. I, like everyone else don't like good things to change or go bad but it seems i'm in a place at the moment where things have changed and i have to make a decision.

I don't think I'm a bad judge of character, in fact i think im a pretty good judge of character but it seems that once ive let people get close to me i end up getting hurt and the same thing always happens.

i remember my first relationship, in fact i idealize my first relationship. She was the girl next door, a very good looking girl with brown hair who i would often use any excuse to talk to. I first noticed her when i was 15 and would often kick my football into her garden just for an excuse to go round there but like any normal boy with a crush id never talk to her. Luckily enough she also fancied me and was much better at letting me know. well i saw much better, she didnt mind getting her friends to come and tell me.

we were together for about two years from about 16 to 18 and it was really the perfect relationship, everything we did and learnt we learnt from each other. Neither of us knew what we were doing and neither of us had any expectations. we had a very happy relationship, argueing no more than whats healthy and had a normal physical relationship, that was all new to both of us too.

But it seems that when you get older the people you meet come with baggage, people seem to arrive at diferent points when you meet them. The baggage is never really a bad thing, people just have different experiences.

i think im just upset that this hasnt gone as easy as i hoped this time, im upset that if i choose to continue i could potentially be putting myself in a place where i wont have trust and peice of mind.

i dont know what is best for me. I do know one thing for certain, that even though ive told you that its ended, i cant stop thinking about you and that i know for certain that i still want you and i guess still need you.

Thanatos

However these are photos of my friend charlie who is essentially my equal, we each push the other and we're both pretty reckless when it comes down to it, we will take risks and push ourselves and we'll party as much as we can. Normal things of a people of our age i guess. Not all people of our age will party on MDMA as much as we may as that generally a cultural thing rather than a reckless atribute, the point is the self destruction and the self indulgence thats evident in us, thats the trait that is in every other member of our age group, you'll either find a complete celebration of that destructive self indulgence post pubestent boy inside or he will slowly repressed.

These photos, like any other of the photos on this blog are never seen by me as a portrait of charlie, as a portrait of hannah, of my bed etc... these photos are undeniable about me. I dont try to make photos about anything else, i dont make work about other people, that would seem silly. I dont shy away from the selfishness of humanity and why not celebrate it?

I would probably say i am very cynical, but at the same time i dont really see this as a burden, nor do i see the selfish atributes of man as a burden or a bad thing. I dont see them as a good thing but more that i just accept that they are there, im not in the bussiness to question humanity and the reasons why we are the way we are.

I like to ask questions, ask myself questions and question the who and what i am. I guess those answers could then be applied to the greater population but im not doing it for that.

for a while ive felt like something had been taken away from me, my relationship to photography, but ive felt like its come back at the moment.

i like to take photos.

Sons of Nyx

I've found myself for the past few days wondering what to write about the new images i have. Essentially they are the same thing, they're still focused on that totality and self destruction of intoxication. But for some reason im not sure i have the words to describe these. Something is different for me, im not sure if its the way i feel about the, if its the way ive produced them or if the way my night has played out has dramatically changed from some of the older work.

I guess i feel differnt about these, i feel theres more of my self destructive streak at work here. well i say self destruction but im really not sure if that is the case of whether im just assuming it is.

There is only one way to find out...

Made For TV Movies

I finally found out what it tastes like, i found out it was as soft as i expected and how it made me feel. Im not sure ive had a smile like i did last night, its a great thing to find something that makes you smile. Like you hear in trashy romance novels or some cheeseball guy saying it, but her lips honestly tasted sweet. I could not belive it, i was shocked because ive only ever known of that in movies. ive chased that kiss for a long time and to now have it feels amazing.

Today

I think im a little too self destructive for my own good.

i have a complete disregard for life and my mentality about it is a little questionable...

Love and Insanity

I seem to spend a lot of time in self reflection, maybe out of narcissism maybe out of curiosity. I never really know but at the same time i have never really cared much for reasons as to why i contemplate myself but just that i do.

I have spent a lot of time consider myself in regards to relations to others and what it is i derive from them. I find myself in complete desire over some peoples company and more so just their attention, i find it hard to understand in myself as ive spent a lot of my years never really caring for the affections of others. I have had them and at points sought them but not in the way i do now.

I sometimes put this down to the fact that i have changed a lot over the years and i have been affected emotionally in various ways. I may put it down to insecurities i have acquired, and they are prominent within my life as they can shape my actions and decisions insofar as i cannot control but i have come to question that this may not be the fuel to my actions.

If i consider the above i put myself down to being a very cynical person and have often thought about the selfish qualities of man but i have come to find myself questioning this all over again.

I would imagine this may make more sense if i explain what it is i am implying.

I am speaking in terms of my desire to be affectionate as i have a real and constant desire to show affection towards other people and I've often put this down to what i thought was an even bigger desire to receive affection in return and from that comes my cynical attitudes. Ive always thought of myself only wanting to show love to people as to receive it in return but im not so sure they're my motives.

To love someone just to receive love in return is only a selfish act if i my love came first and i then get it in return, but what if the love i am showing is result of the love i have been shown in the first place. suddenly the whole of human kind and its selfish motives becomes questioned of really being selfish.

I feel like this is part of my cynical attitudes being shelled as my cynicism is something i learnt as i got older and met various people who would impose it upon me. I was never bought up a cynic and nor have i ever been bought up to be a cold person, not saying i am a cold person but i am not as loving as i once was.

At the moment i have found myself chasing something that could pottentially be something i wont ever get and i know this but i've found part of myself just not caring about that. As what i have found that i am chasing is the ability to show affectionate to this person and not about reciveing theirs.

I have come to find, as so many people often do that madness and sanity are so close to each other, that love and hate come as a package and how that each of those poles excacorbate each other imensely.

i know that if i write this it is going to make the whole thing smell of cheese but....

it is far better to of loved and lost than to of never loved at all.

in that sense i could say i dont mind not getting what i want at the end of this road im chasing as i could say at the end that i had the chance to show my love but i dont want this to be mistaken with me not carring as there is nothing in the world right now that i want more.

i can only thank you for making me feel like this, making me feel human, making me feel alive.

Madonna's Disco

It seems ive found something recreational with no consequences. It seems that if i have nothing to do, money sitting in my bank and time to kill i tend to use mdma a fair bit.

The past four days i have been to a different night club each day and dropped a bomb of mdma each night. It seems we make the decision to go out the following night as the first is coming to an end as there are no apparent consequences of a heavy night of dancing.

Drinking alcohol for years you learn that there is only so much your body can take. You have a too heavy night and you feel like death the next day, wandering round unable to function properly and most of your time is spent trying to keep the contents of your stomach inside. After a night of mdma i feel nothing, i wake up feeling slightly tired, but i understand that is due to the excercize i am doing whilst high.

I have barely been able to drink two nights in a row and i certainly wouldnt manage four nights of drinking. Its interesting that i there are no appernt side effects from mdma as it brings you to a point to question the actual limits. The reason i have been able to drop mdma for the past four nights in a row is because i have access to it and the time to rest the next day. It would be the fith night in a row if i considered it for tonight. If i had it sitting on my desk right now i would probably be preparing for another night out.

This is where it comes to question if it has adictive qualities. ive looked into it and the most i can find is that people just talk of growing an intollerence to it and therefor needing more to get a high. If i think about why i would consider it if i had it is because i have a very good time on it. its undeniable but i have realised that its not a dead certainty that you will have a good time.

I considered the possiblity that i may come to rely, or depend on it for a good time. But i also consider the attitude towards alcohol and how i, and almost everyone i know relys on it to have a good time. There are many night clubs that i could not go to without getting drunk as i use it to gain a small piece of courage to get up and dance.

where is the point where one is good and one is bad, or well one is more accepted than the other?

I could drink for two weeks straigh, every night and not one person would say anything in regarding how wreckless it is. It would be overlooked as "student life" and shrugged off.

Is using mdma four nights in a row abuse? is drinking alchol four nights in a row abuse?

the answer should be the same for each, you cannot deem one abuse without the other. I did realise that i have sort of made a reputation for myself. Its taken me four days of spontanuious plans and substance abuse to be labeled, in four days!

its very enjoyable, much more than alcohol.

More Polaroid Sleep

Ive realized ive built up quite a lot of Polaroids of people sleeping, its never occurred to me to gather them all together in one place though, i might post them all together at a later date