Love and Insanity

I seem to spend a lot of time in self reflection, maybe out of narcissism maybe out of curiosity. I never really know but at the same time i have never really cared much for reasons as to why i contemplate myself but just that i do.

I have spent a lot of time consider myself in regards to relations to others and what it is i derive from them. I find myself in complete desire over some peoples company and more so just their attention, i find it hard to understand in myself as ive spent a lot of my years never really caring for the affections of others. I have had them and at points sought them but not in the way i do now.

I sometimes put this down to the fact that i have changed a lot over the years and i have been affected emotionally in various ways. I may put it down to insecurities i have acquired, and they are prominent within my life as they can shape my actions and decisions insofar as i cannot control but i have come to question that this may not be the fuel to my actions.

If i consider the above i put myself down to being a very cynical person and have often thought about the selfish qualities of man but i have come to find myself questioning this all over again.

I would imagine this may make more sense if i explain what it is i am implying.

I am speaking in terms of my desire to be affectionate as i have a real and constant desire to show affection towards other people and I've often put this down to what i thought was an even bigger desire to receive affection in return and from that comes my cynical attitudes. Ive always thought of myself only wanting to show love to people as to receive it in return but im not so sure they're my motives.

To love someone just to receive love in return is only a selfish act if i my love came first and i then get it in return, but what if the love i am showing is result of the love i have been shown in the first place. suddenly the whole of human kind and its selfish motives becomes questioned of really being selfish.

I feel like this is part of my cynical attitudes being shelled as my cynicism is something i learnt as i got older and met various people who would impose it upon me. I was never bought up a cynic and nor have i ever been bought up to be a cold person, not saying i am a cold person but i am not as loving as i once was.

At the moment i have found myself chasing something that could pottentially be something i wont ever get and i know this but i've found part of myself just not caring about that. As what i have found that i am chasing is the ability to show affectionate to this person and not about reciveing theirs.

I have come to find, as so many people often do that madness and sanity are so close to each other, that love and hate come as a package and how that each of those poles excacorbate each other imensely.

i know that if i write this it is going to make the whole thing smell of cheese but....

it is far better to of loved and lost than to of never loved at all.

in that sense i could say i dont mind not getting what i want at the end of this road im chasing as i could say at the end that i had the chance to show my love but i dont want this to be mistaken with me not carring as there is nothing in the world right now that i want more.

i can only thank you for making me feel like this, making me feel human, making me feel alive.

Madonna's Disco

It seems ive found something recreational with no consequences. It seems that if i have nothing to do, money sitting in my bank and time to kill i tend to use mdma a fair bit.

The past four days i have been to a different night club each day and dropped a bomb of mdma each night. It seems we make the decision to go out the following night as the first is coming to an end as there are no apparent consequences of a heavy night of dancing.

Drinking alcohol for years you learn that there is only so much your body can take. You have a too heavy night and you feel like death the next day, wandering round unable to function properly and most of your time is spent trying to keep the contents of your stomach inside. After a night of mdma i feel nothing, i wake up feeling slightly tired, but i understand that is due to the excercize i am doing whilst high.

I have barely been able to drink two nights in a row and i certainly wouldnt manage four nights of drinking. Its interesting that i there are no appernt side effects from mdma as it brings you to a point to question the actual limits. The reason i have been able to drop mdma for the past four nights in a row is because i have access to it and the time to rest the next day. It would be the fith night in a row if i considered it for tonight. If i had it sitting on my desk right now i would probably be preparing for another night out.

This is where it comes to question if it has adictive qualities. ive looked into it and the most i can find is that people just talk of growing an intollerence to it and therefor needing more to get a high. If i think about why i would consider it if i had it is because i have a very good time on it. its undeniable but i have realised that its not a dead certainty that you will have a good time.

I considered the possiblity that i may come to rely, or depend on it for a good time. But i also consider the attitude towards alcohol and how i, and almost everyone i know relys on it to have a good time. There are many night clubs that i could not go to without getting drunk as i use it to gain a small piece of courage to get up and dance.

where is the point where one is good and one is bad, or well one is more accepted than the other?

I could drink for two weeks straigh, every night and not one person would say anything in regarding how wreckless it is. It would be overlooked as "student life" and shrugged off.

Is using mdma four nights in a row abuse? is drinking alchol four nights in a row abuse?

the answer should be the same for each, you cannot deem one abuse without the other. I did realise that i have sort of made a reputation for myself. Its taken me four days of spontanuious plans and substance abuse to be labeled, in four days!

its very enjoyable, much more than alcohol.

More Polaroid Sleep

Ive realized ive built up quite a lot of Polaroids of people sleeping, its never occurred to me to gather them all together in one place though, i might post them all together at a later date