Agetaphobia

My life is basically lived with the premise that ignorance is bliss. i'm starting to realize that i don't deal with things very well at all, i don't confront issues and i wont deal with anything.

Its all well and good putting off some tasks for a while but to never speak of them again is something entirely different, in the past few months i've realized i don't deal with stress in a normal, nor healthy way. I've found myself not being able to perform simple tasks like looking for keys, and i get the same feeling in my chest when i'm waiting for something. I actually find myself having to go and have a sit down and do something non related until i have calmed down and can return to the task in hand, thats not normal is it?

Part of me feels like i'm loosing my mind, my friends will tell me about things that i'm doing that i am unaware of. along side that i have absolutely no trust for the truth at the moment, i will often find myself not believing anything but having to just be passive and agree as to not cause a problem.

I think my friends see it, i have this feeling they're waiting, i have this feeling that they think that this is just the calm before the storm and that something big is going to happen.

We all managed to get onto the roof of our building the other night and i was just curiously looking around, climbed on top of one of the structures on the roof and looked over the edge. at least 5 different people that were on the roof that night have said to me on a separate occasion they were worried about me, worried about what? that i would jump?

i've spoke to my mum a little bit about this, she's gone through her own share of mental problems and is probably what is getting me down. i think i'm worried about my sanity because i have a lot of questionable compulsions in my life. there are things i wont touch for love nor money because i cant get the idea out of my head that it will be dirty forever.

im a little bit worried about developing things in my head, the fact that i have developed things to a ridiculous point before worries me that it could go further. Agetephobia is the fear of insanity and can turn out pretty bad, i can only see that its like the chicken and the egg story. did the insanity come first or the fear?

which for someone with that, one outcome could mean that they were never sane, but just waiting to explode.

i have been told i should go and talk to someone, but the thing is, i know what to do, i have enough common sense to realize that i just need a healthy outlet, i just having found one.

is it better to burn out, rather than to fade away?

Im unsure as to how i feel at the moment. i think i've given up on other people all together, i've often felt like this in the past and thats usually been because of some sort of bad brake up. but at the moment i think i just don't want to be close to anyone for a long time.

i guess I've just got out of what could possibly be described as my most successful relationship, it was perfect in every way, i was and am still completely besotted by her and head over heals in love. The problem is that circumstances have dictated we cant be together any more.

its sad, i don't think i can express how sad the situation is for me. i know that i have to follow through with the decision made im just sorry to see it go.

the past year with you has been the best year of my life, you have done more for me than you will ever know.

Too Scared

im so scared about leaving. im scared of the things i dont see now, the things i dont know. theres a million posssiblities and to me every single one is bad.

why is it that i will only ever assume the worst? i really dont trust anyone, its horible to say you dont trust someone especially when they have done nothing wrong, but i guess my instinct is to go on what i know and ive known lies for many more years than i have known trust.

how have i got to a point where lies are more familiar to me that truth?

im so scared of the unknown, and the altered, and in about two weeks they're suddenly going to become a lot bigger and more intense.

my instinct always tells me to run, im not a natural fighter, i fly when im scared.

im scared ill get scared.

Never Sure

I guess I'm never really sure what it is I'm doing any more. Whether what I am doing is going to result in anything or whether I am going to gain anything from my actions.

At the moment I'm a lot like a little bubble just floating in the wind, I'm not trying, I'm not doing anything. I just float and inevitably I will pop.

I question why I am so lazy sometimes, is that all it is? Am I just a lazy person or is there another reason for my apparent distance and lack of focus and control?

I guess we will only see with time. But for now I'm not happy where I am, so it just seems easier to float.

Changing Times

I guess id never be alone in questioning why things have to change. I, like everyone else don't like good things to change or go bad but it seems i'm in a place at the moment where things have changed and i have to make a decision.

I don't think I'm a bad judge of character, in fact i think im a pretty good judge of character but it seems that once ive let people get close to me i end up getting hurt and the same thing always happens.

i remember my first relationship, in fact i idealize my first relationship. She was the girl next door, a very good looking girl with brown hair who i would often use any excuse to talk to. I first noticed her when i was 15 and would often kick my football into her garden just for an excuse to go round there but like any normal boy with a crush id never talk to her. Luckily enough she also fancied me and was much better at letting me know. well i saw much better, she didnt mind getting her friends to come and tell me.

we were together for about two years from about 16 to 18 and it was really the perfect relationship, everything we did and learnt we learnt from each other. Neither of us knew what we were doing and neither of us had any expectations. we had a very happy relationship, argueing no more than whats healthy and had a normal physical relationship, that was all new to both of us too.

But it seems that when you get older the people you meet come with baggage, people seem to arrive at diferent points when you meet them. The baggage is never really a bad thing, people just have different experiences.

i think im just upset that this hasnt gone as easy as i hoped this time, im upset that if i choose to continue i could potentially be putting myself in a place where i wont have trust and peice of mind.

i dont know what is best for me. I do know one thing for certain, that even though ive told you that its ended, i cant stop thinking about you and that i know for certain that i still want you and i guess still need you.