Fun With Mandy

Ive been meaning to write this for a few days actually, but i've not had too much time nor the drive to actually sit down to write. But in desperately seeking entertainment on christmas day i thought i would resort to writing this. I know everyone spends their time looking forward to this time of year but i despise it a lot, i end up being surrounded by so many people for so long that it just stresses me out.

The thing i actually wanted to write about was a recent experience i had. I wanted to first outline that ive never really been bought up in an environment where i am taught that drugs are bad. im taught the same lessons as every other child in school about the dangers of addiction and the health risks of them.

The funny thing is that when i do take them there is nothing in me that sparks off that moral questioning. I can take then without hesitation and without any concern for how it might be morally wrong. The one thing i feel before taking them is the fear of it going wrong, but in essence that is one of the small high of it, taking that little risk. Like a parachute jump, or some kind of crazy stunt you risk your health and that fear that comes with it is a nice adrenaline rush.

I have indulged in Mushrooms on many occasions in the past and do quite enjoy them, they're something that i find very rewarding and return from them feeling very bonded with the people i have tripped with. The other drug i had tried was a chemical version of Mescaline and it was very strong, i enjoyed my time on it but came off it with the feeling of knowing that i didn't want to do it again and more importantly not progress further with any other kind of drug.

With drugs there is always the idea that its process of progression. That once you get used to one drug you tend to find another stronger drug to give you the next big high, and soon you are taking Heroine, of which is seen as the end of the road. I found myself presented with this path and realizing it wasn't one i was going to take, i would still partake in mushrooms but not anything else.

This was all challenged on Saturday.

I was presented with the prospect of taking some MDMA on a night out with my friends. My first instinct was to say no but there is something in me that is still curious. I wheighed up the odds of it and i had decided not to, i remebered back to how i just felt that chemical drugs weren't something that appealed to me.

Once in the situation i changed my mind, i made myself a little bomb of MDMA and once out and i'd had a few drinks i was a little more confident about taking it. I went into the toilet of the pub to swollow it and it went down fine. I expected a small lump in my throat for a while after, considering it was a little piece of paper. I returned from the toilet and back to my seat and you turn onto waiting mode. Even though you will try and ocupy yourself by talking to your friends you still spend your time waiting, checking each sense you have to see if anything is taken effect. I think the reason i check my senses is because i know that the mushrooms affect them a fair amount.

I realised there wasnt really any defining factor with the MDMA, no defining epithiny where i realise i am high, nothing that all the stereo-types tell you. The room didnt fill with love, i didnt want to hug everyone but i felt something, i did feel different.

I just wanted to dance, my jaw tightened as expected and my feet moved. I am really self concious when it comes to dancing and i wont unless i am really drunk. I hadnt drunk enough drinks to even feel a slight effect of them but suddenly i was filled with the uncontrolable urge to dance. I danced that whole night and not my normal self conscious inablity to dance, i felt like i could actually dance, as if i was blessed with the ability to coordinate my body with the music like i had never been able to before.

I felt like i had the confidence of having drunk a whole bottle of vodka without the sloppy nature of being drunk. I was fully aware and coherrent, i could hold a convosation, i was the normal me, with so much more confidence, it was unbelivable.

I went home with a big smile on my face after having a brilliant night. afterwards you will spend your time trying to repress the thought of the next day, to repress the nights ending as you will want it to live forever. In repressing the end of the night and the dawn of tomorrow you will have the looming danger of a come-down to wake up to. To a day or two of depression, a small price to pay for one night of complete bliss.

I woke up with a smile, slightly tired from the amount of energy i expended but still in a good mood. I spent the day considering the night before and consider what happened, and why it was i enjoyed it.

The main thing i considered was how acceptable it was for me to use it in the future. Do i leave this as just an experience or a start to something. I didnt wake up feeling bad, i had a perfect night without anything silly happening and what seemed like no danger at all.

with that in mind it almost seems perfectly logical to replace my alchohol consumption with MDMA because there seems to be no downsides to use of it. I do consider the things you get told about drug abuse, the things that i dont already have installed in me and i am left confused, i guess i will take that advice as so many people cant be wrong.

Whenever you meet someone that abuses drugs you often wonder where it all started, and i am in no way expressing any reason for concearn but imagine if ever i got ito deep, this is where they will say it all started.

and where was that?

Ironically a small peice of MDMA wrapped up in the first page of Revalations, dropped down my throat, the first small step to a potentially fucked up lifestyle.

I know not to get like that, i am just considering possiblities.

Mandy and I could go places

A Little Look

I wonder if i now know what i want, i felt like something has sort of clicked into place. Partly because of feeling rejected and in turn a little lonely. But i came to a point where im noticing patterns that are emerging in my actions, patterns in what im chasing.

To find out what you actually want was hard and im probably not sure but i have to go with the little i have. Now that i'm a little more sure of myself and realizing what i want has bought to my attention the fact that i don't actually have it

The prolem with not having what i want is that it cannot just come from anywhere, its something i cannot force and will have to be patient. This is hard because im not so good at it and i tend to act on impulse and get myself into situations i knew i didnt want to be in but i see a good thing and go for it, regardless of it not working in the long term.

I found out im actually quite bad at all the things i thought i might be good at, and they have all just turned into a stream of embarressing incidents. I can laugh about them and they are funny but i dont want to be a little bumbling idiot that actually has no people skills to speak of. I want to know what i want, to be sure of myself and not have to be sitting here writing about it. I want to talk, i want to be talked to and be kept at a small distance away but kept wondering. I want to be wanted.

Suddenly i want what i dont have, and also what ive given up so many times, this one thing was never exactly how i wanted it and i wonder if thats because i went out on my impules before stopping to think about what was happening and where it was going.

The one moment i keep thinking back to in my head is sitting in the shower, cold and naked but talking for ages. Its one of those kind of memories you expect one of those perfect on screen couples to have when their reminissing their lost relationship. The difference is that you know they will be back together and that they both want to be. Thats not the case with me.

Im a little lonely boy of which seems to be off limits.

I want something. Thats what i miss, something not someone.

Say Nothing

One of the things i've come to think a lot about with my work is how i can put staged photos next to authentic one. There's nothing in any photo that tells the absolute truth and nothing that lies. A photo cannot lie as a lie implies something else.

A Photo is merely a piece of paper that contains dots, shades, lines and shapes. Whereas an image is something entirely different an image is what we see. There is three outcomes to what is seen, firstly you could see the the grain and the dots. Second, you could see a person and that person could be anyone, you just recognize that it is a person or a human. The third is that you see John, Adam, who or whatever the image is of. You see something more familiar in the image.

What you see in an image is only there because you see it, because you put it in that image. Its one of the wonderful aspects of photography, that you can see what you want in an image.

It is all to familiar to question whether a tree makes a noise if it falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it.

What i want to know is, Does an image still exist in a photo if no one is around to perceive it?

A Petit Mort

Once again, my sleep is something i cannot let go. My sleep represents so much, its the beginning and end with no middle. I still don't dream so i'm not aware of anything, i have no connection to the world at all. Sleep is in its entirety represents death and in another sense is A Petit Mort.

These photos will become something else once im done with them, the project isn't about these photos but about something else.

Kiss

I strike again, taking advantage of more drunk people. I was looking forward to seeing these photos, i took them a while ago and then didnt use that camera for a while and didnt want to waste the film.

Ive been mainly shooting a lot of Polaroid, which is an expensive habit in itself but i just cant shake the unique attraction to it. I'm a little frustrated with the current cool status Polaroid has. It almost seem people use Polaroid as a status thing whereas Polaroid should be celebrated over other types photography for how unique it is. The Polaroid is a one-off and cannot be reproduced that does it any justice.

Either way, my point is, this is film and ive shot some more on film lately.

I miss it.