Agetaphobia

My life is basically lived with the premise that ignorance is bliss. i'm starting to realize that i don't deal with things very well at all, i don't confront issues and i wont deal with anything.

Its all well and good putting off some tasks for a while but to never speak of them again is something entirely different, in the past few months i've realized i don't deal with stress in a normal, nor healthy way. I've found myself not being able to perform simple tasks like looking for keys, and i get the same feeling in my chest when i'm waiting for something. I actually find myself having to go and have a sit down and do something non related until i have calmed down and can return to the task in hand, thats not normal is it?

Part of me feels like i'm loosing my mind, my friends will tell me about things that i'm doing that i am unaware of. along side that i have absolutely no trust for the truth at the moment, i will often find myself not believing anything but having to just be passive and agree as to not cause a problem.

I think my friends see it, i have this feeling they're waiting, i have this feeling that they think that this is just the calm before the storm and that something big is going to happen.

We all managed to get onto the roof of our building the other night and i was just curiously looking around, climbed on top of one of the structures on the roof and looked over the edge. at least 5 different people that were on the roof that night have said to me on a separate occasion they were worried about me, worried about what? that i would jump?

i've spoke to my mum a little bit about this, she's gone through her own share of mental problems and is probably what is getting me down. i think i'm worried about my sanity because i have a lot of questionable compulsions in my life. there are things i wont touch for love nor money because i cant get the idea out of my head that it will be dirty forever.

im a little bit worried about developing things in my head, the fact that i have developed things to a ridiculous point before worries me that it could go further. Agetephobia is the fear of insanity and can turn out pretty bad, i can only see that its like the chicken and the egg story. did the insanity come first or the fear?

which for someone with that, one outcome could mean that they were never sane, but just waiting to explode.

i have been told i should go and talk to someone, but the thing is, i know what to do, i have enough common sense to realize that i just need a healthy outlet, i just having found one.

is it better to burn out, rather than to fade away?

Im unsure as to how i feel at the moment. i think i've given up on other people all together, i've often felt like this in the past and thats usually been because of some sort of bad brake up. but at the moment i think i just don't want to be close to anyone for a long time.

i guess I've just got out of what could possibly be described as my most successful relationship, it was perfect in every way, i was and am still completely besotted by her and head over heals in love. The problem is that circumstances have dictated we cant be together any more.

its sad, i don't think i can express how sad the situation is for me. i know that i have to follow through with the decision made im just sorry to see it go.

the past year with you has been the best year of my life, you have done more for me than you will ever know.