Smothered

Today is the day i considered how unhappy my life will be. So far all that i can see is that being in solitude is the only way i can be happy. I never know what i want, i never have and if i never find out this will always happen.

I have never known who and what i want from a relationship, since i was young and developing my awareness is of sex i have never known what sex i want. Will i ever know? i get into relationships where i get so infatuated with the person that i neglect anything going on within me, i block it out completely to a point that it doesn't exist at all.

Each of my relationships have ended in confusion, confusion over where i go and i am currently in that. The problem i have is that i dont take time to understand, i don't devote time to myself to work it out.

In my selfishness i have hurt people, this never meant to happen and i am sorry to all of you that read this and understand. you are each wonderful people who i do not appreciate enough due to my own turmoil.

i will work it out one day but until then i think i just need to be alone.